allnightsong2:

Deep (Beyond the Dead/Snippet, Pt2)

Despite the necessity of being absolutely and wholly numb he sometimes felt the edges of a sick fascination in the presence of the Others. He defended this to himself by insisting that observing them, covertly of course, was safer than allowing himself to absorb the totality of what he was forced to witness. He could be anyone, he could do anything, he could be precisely what he knew they expected him to be. He had placed himself into the bowels of Hell voluntarily and so refused to even contemplate complaining or turning away now.

The Others did not wear masks. Only a fool would fail to recognize the danger and realize that there were no sureties or safety in their presence. They were organized. They were efficient. They were ruthless and never forgave anything of anyone. It was, Krieg had discovered, a far more complex organizational structure than most expected; the Covenant and its signatories were engaged in a never ending sequence of temporary alliances and machinations meant to undermine rivals. As long as it was not obvious there was nothing considered as an actionable offense. Provided that whatever was done did not interfere with the Feeding. So far as he had seen and heard there were none that had ever dared to be that foolish.

He had of course been told, in words just words, what the Feeding was, and what it supposedly entailed. The explanation was so simple. They “fed” on pain and fear, created misery wherever they went. That was, of course, a horrific enough concept on it’s own. Except that such a conception presented an impression that the Others were as much sadists as psychic vampires. The reality he had discovered was much worse than he had anticipated.

They did indeed feed on pain. They took no other sustenance, never partook of food or drink. But it was more than food to them. It was a drug, it was their identity and the core of every single thing they were. Their souls, their talents, they were corrupt and vile almost beyond his ability to bear. Simply being near them was like breathing poison. They had no use for wine, for sex, for common pleasures or simple distractions. Even when sated they sought out more suffering. They seemed to attain ecstasy through being in the presence of pure agony. There was absolutely nothing he could detect in any of them that could be identified or labeled as human. He knew as fact that every single one of them had indeed been human to start. Now? Now they were abominations, obscenities wearing the appearance of humanity. How this wasn’t blatantly obvious to the power mad who sought them out he could not understand.

It was a mystery that did not need solving and yet he puzzled over the matter just the same. Better to cling to that then to risk thinking about what was happening around him. If he had allowed himself feelings he might have felt revulsion and disgust, watching the orgasmic shudders, seeing the gasping ecstasy on those seemingly human faces as life was ripped, shredded, torn and destroyed at their command. He might have permitted himself a deep and thorough fascination with the fact that they had, every single one, been Travelers just as he himself was, but now somehow there was absolutely nothing left in their talents that bore any semblance to his, any more than an ant resembled an elephant. Even their essence was tainted and foul. They no longer used the Source, and by turning away from that they had violated and refused the very reason a Traveler existed.

When he thought about such things, they weren’t proper thoughts of a fashion most would recognize. He put nothing into words, not even within his mind. There were just disjointed images that would make no sense to anyone who might somehow perceive them. Without any context an outsider would never make a connection that could be incriminating. Krieg never allowed himself even an instant that might break from what he had made himself into. The job would never kill him. Performing the job might, but that would be chance and not his mistake and since nobody controlled chance he could accept that notion. He had made himself one promise though. If and when he died, the Others would not feed upon him. He would seal the pain in his secret place, he would feel no fear. He would die for them just as he lived for them. A blank empty box that seemed to be as inhuman as they themselves had become. He would fade with one last denial and accept whatever came next.

It wasn’t much, but it was something. Something more than he had now.